Unfortunately, I grossly underestimated how difficult it was going to be to get rid of my cat. She turned into the biggest hurdle I’ve faced during this process so far, and ultimately, I couldn’t jump that hurdle. She’s a 10-year-old and slightly ornery cat, far the worst or best cat, but not a great option for adoption. I had assumed I’d easily be able to take her to a shelter. However, it turns out every shelter in the area is at capacity with a wait-list of anywhere from a few weeks to several months.
Since there is no way for her to make the move with me and I wasn’t renewing my lease at the end of the year, I was in a bit of a bind. Basically, my options (imo) quickly became:
Euthanize her (it took calling several vets to find one willing to euthanize a healthy cat).
Renew my current apartment lease for a shorter period at $250 more a month until at least April.
In the hopes that a shelter would be able to take her within that time.
If a shelter didn’t become available during this time it’d resolve back to euthanasia because the additional monthly cost is rough for me.
Renew my current apartment lease for a year.
There’s a bunch of ways I tried to rationalize euthanizing her in my head. “She’s just a cat” being primary among them. Simply meaning that I shouldn’t put my life on hold for a bad cat I don’t even like. But I’ve never hurt an animal before and I can’t just leap to becoming a cat killer, and incorrectly or not, that’s how I would’ve labeled myself. She might suck, but she’s not sick or aggressive/mean. She’s been my pet for 10ish years, she’s my responsibility. Before I take what should be the last resort I need to exhaust all other options, which I currently can’t say.
It was a really tricky decision for me; I truly felt of two minds. I had thought if push came to shove, I could make the selfish decision and essentially sacrifice her for my future. But that’s not me. I can’t start this new path I’m on by INTENTIONally killing a cat.
Ultimately, I chose to renew my current lease for another year. It just felt like the right thing to do. The additional cost of the shorter lease and the uncertainty of finding a spot for her within that time-frame led me to just put my move on hold for a year. Surely, I’ll be able to find a place for her within a year. If not, I can’t at least feel much more comfortable that I’ve done my best. This whole move was rushed due to the unlucky timing of my thoughtful Avalanche.
In that first post I mentioned this path not being contingent on moving back in with my parents. That, and the positive steps I’ve been taking have allowed me to pivot to this new reality easier than I would’ve in the past. I know previously something like this would’ve sent me into an internal spiral. It’s definitely a bummer, but I’ve quite a few positives I’d rather focus on continuing:
I’ve been better at communicating and visiting my parents. Part of those visits has been to move my stuff in, but it’s been nice to just hang out and play games with Mom for a few hours. So, this is something I’ll continue with, once or twice a month.
Plus, I’ve moved a very nice chess set my parents got for me when I was a teen back to their house. For some reason, chess is the only board game my dad is willing to play. So, I’m going to propose to him that we try and get a match each time I’m up for a visit.
I’m a part of the growing community for Riftbound in the area. I’ve been going to several different LGS’ in the area and interacting with a lot of the same people over the past month. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I feel like I’m on the slow process to make a couple friends lol.
Largely, holding off my move doesn’t impact my perspective, just requires a pivot. I tried to squeeze this move in quickly at the end of the year and it didn’t work out. Not the end of the world, I’m still in a much more preferable position than I was months ago when moving back in with my parents was a last resort instead of the main plan.
Any continued readers will note I missed a post last weekend and the next topic was supposed to be minimalism. That’s still the plan for the next theme of posts. Moving most of my stuff to my parents and the dumpster has left my apartment basically empty, which I’ve found oddly freeing. So, I’m going to contemplate and write more on that. However, not until after the holiday since next week’s post will be about Christmas in some way.
Hope all reading this have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday!
Another good week of socializing, the event I ran at the store and the ones I attended elsewhere went well. It was good to get a test run on running the event last week because now there’s a bigger and more seriously competitive event I’m running tomorrow. I do have some mild anxiety about the event since getting specific communication from the store is a bit difficult. However, the event was scheduled long before I began to help so it was happening w/o me anyway, so my stake of responsibility is low. Just going to show up and do my best.
It’s been going well, but I’m starting to realize how truly hard it is to make friends as an adult. For the first time I’ve been putting myself out there and inviting some of the people I’ve met at these events to either play with me either in person or online. So far, there have been zero takers lol. But surprisingly that hasn’t discouraged me…yet. I put the options out there and if nobody answers then I’m at the same spot as if I hadn’t, so little reason to be discouraged.
I’ve also realized that I can’t write two pages of something poignant or deep every week, and I’m not going to force it either. This is just a weekly journal after all, so there will be plenty of shorter more mundane posts. I need to think throughout the week for the longer specific posts. If I haven’t done that and just come into the café Sunday morning and freewrite, these are the types of posts I put out.
So, I’ll finish this post with a lead-in for the next topic I’ll be writing on, minimalism. I’m nearing my move back in to my parents and in the process, throwing away or donating a lot of stuff. Part of this journey is focusing on what I truly need, as opposed to wants. The consumerism we exist within, wants are always being shoved in our face and are one-click away at any time. But needs, at least mine, are truly minimal. I want to move toward focusing all possible purchases on three primary basis; cost-effectiveness, quality, supporting small local businesses. I’ll be going into more detail on my thinking next week. But the idea is the drill-down my consumerism to the bare necessities.
As I’ve been on this new path for a month, it keeps popping into my mind how naive, childish, and just plain stupid I’ve been over the past decade. Well, I am still those things, but at least now I’m moving forward. Previously those thoughts of wasted time and my past failures would bog me down in a sunk cost fantasy sort of way. Now it’s just proof that my current trajectory is the right one. Dwelling on the past quite literally does nothing for me, other than to serve as a cautionary lesson.
The primary source of the feelings mentioned above is the fact that all of the positive actions I’ve been taking this past month could’ve been taken a decade ago. The seemingly small hurdle of just going out to an event alone to meet total strangers was actually more like an insurmountable obstacle for me. It’s hard for me to even explain, especially now with my shifted mindset, because now it just feels silly. But I had formed this perception of myself as a socially inept loser, there were times I struggled to even go out in public to get groceries. I’d built up so much shame onto myself and it was suffocating me.
Now I realize I was suffocating myself. Sure, I’m not perfect and have plenty of faults. But I’m not a bad person and I aim to treat people well. I’m learning to be content and confident in who I am. Confidence is a strong word, and I wouldn’t say I’m really there yet but it’s also a scale and I’m beginning to slide the other way.
A big part of it has been the release of Riftbound (explained more in The Wrong Type of Snow post). It’s given me an outlet to go out and interact socially with people of similar interests while we’re all learning a new game together. I’ve gone to several events myself and now with my brother as well and actually put myself out there to the owner of the LGS (local game store) I’ve been frequenting to help organize and run their Riftbound events. None of their store regulars or staff were seemingly interested in running it so I took the leap and put myself forward.
So, I’m the new event runner for Riftbound and Discord mod for the Riftbound section of their Discord server. From what I can tell so far it just primary involves basic admin work of setting up events online, running them in person, handing out promos, and engaging with the community. All things you may be surprised to read I have some small experience with for another game, Animal Crossing. The video game Animal Crossing is one of my top 3 all time favorite gaming series and holds a special place in my heart.
It’ll come up again when I eventually write about my freshman year of high school. But long story short for now, I was involved with the site Animal Crossing Community, not in any kind of official capacity, but we did run events, giveaways, and prizes. Sporadically I’ve also been involved with clans and guilds across other games that fill a similar role of fostering a positive engaging community. Obviously not claiming that any of that is a 1-1 but I have positive memories of those times and it’s cool that I’m getting to engage in a similar fashion now but in person as an adult.
I’m sure many people (not that many will) who read this will find much I’m writing quite simple and not much worth writing about. I’d generally agree, I feel I’m learning and maturing pretty darn late and trying to explain why or how is difficult, especially when there is a lot I’m trying to change and I notice changes manifesting even over small things. So, here’s a short anecdote of one of those small changes of thought process that’ll maybe give a clearer example of my temperament shift.
One of my pet peeves is over “courteous” drivers on the road. Specifically imagine you are coming to a 4-way intersection with 4 stop signs. You approach your stop sign and see another car approaching from your left, noting that they arrived at their stop first. Now you stop, expecting them to take their rightful turn and go forward, only for them to sit there and flash their lights for you to go instead. This small of feigned kindness from the other person used to make me irrationally angry, thinking now maybe it ties in to my proclivity for generally following the rules as written. If everyone just followed the rules and took their turns appropriately, traffic and driving in general would be better. But for some reason that simply cannot happen, so we enter into these weird stale mates at stop signs. So now, instead of getting the slightest bit made, it just amuses me as a little mini-game. If I obviously got there second, I just sit there as long as they want, I don’t signal for them to go, and if they signal me, I take my turn without a wave. I finally understand that getting upset like this is pointless, a few extra seconds at a stop sign isn’t going to change my life, unless I let it.
Not sure if that did anything for explaining my internal thoughts but in the moment, it felt like a good example lol. Anyway, again, thank you for making this far anybody who did!
Well, if you read last weeks post you may also notice that I did in fact not post more here or on my socials like I had intended at the end of that post. I’m not really upset about that because the reason that didn’t happen was due to actually being busy. Which is a totally new phenomenon for me and I’m adapting to adjust to it becoming my new normal.
For the past decade I quite literally didn’t do anything. My default thought when presented with an activity or thinking of one was “I’d rather not.” Even semi-joking to my mom that I should get “I rather would” tattooed on my wrist as a constant reminder to actually do something. My brother and I are planning tattoos though and mines going on my forearm, so that reminder tattoo isn’t happening. In the past I would vacillate between wanting only to do nothing (sit on my computer) and knowing that was bad for me, but my social anxiety and internal thoughts prohibiting me from acting on it. Maybe instead of THC, doing nothing is my greatest vice.
Now that I have activities I want to do, I can’t seem to focus, hence the current them extended from last week about lacking focus. Part of it is learning to appropriately allocate my time. When you have nothing to do, you have unlimited time. Going from that to a surplus of things to do is a bit of a learning curve. Add on my proclivity to procrastinate and it’s not a great combo.
But I also realize that I’m in the process of changing quite a lot about myself and that can’t all be done simultaneously. I had this eureka-like moment over a long weekend when I was on some random PTO. Doing all this in tandem with my normal job is proving more challenging than perhaps I first thought. However, I’m still overall please with my ongoing progress. I have more PTO scheduled soon I will hopefully utilize in the same manner as last month.
Another learning element is my socializing. I went out 3 times in a row last week. In the past it’d be unlike for me to go out 3 times in 3 months. It likely wouldn’t have gone out so much if not for a surprise rare invite from my brother, which I equally rarely will turn down, unless I’m in a down mood. This socializing has largely been positive; I’m meeting and interacting with new people and slowly gaining a kind of confidence. Although, I do still find it quite draining. Honestly, being around people seems to not just mentally drain me, but physically as well.
I’ve also realized that if these weekly posts don’t get completed on Sunday mornings, they’re unlikely to get completed that day. Especially since currently and around the upcoming holidays my day job workload picks up quite a bit. This post is a bit of a nothing-burger, but I at least wanted to get something out. Next weeks will be more substantive – promise!
Forced myself to go to the café and write this on ~3hrs of sleep. Instead of just vegging out for the entire day which is what I typically would have done. I was puppy/house sitting this weekend and it was busier than expected. I had several ideas and plans in my head to do with the puppers, like a fun photo shoot and taking her to the store so she can pick out a toy. None of those happened. Just trying to make sure she didn’t soil the house was a full-time job. She went outside more than inside, so I’m taking that as a win. Since the puppers drained a lot of my energy, this post isn’t going to be as lengthy as the others.
Focus is what I’ve been lacking the past 2-3 weeks. I had this multi-layered avalanche of thought, but now I’m struggling to focus on specific aspects. Part of the problem is returning to my day job. Although my job isn’t hectic or challenging, I still need to remain mentally engaged for 9hrs. I wonder if my job being more annoying than hard is somehow even more draining than if I was actually engaged throughout the day.
Another primary problem is my intake of THC products. I’ve been abusing these products almost daily for the past decade, legally of course. It’s by far my primary vice. I don’t drink a lot of alcohol, only 1-3 at family gatherings, but not when I’m alone anymore. I’ve never been a big drinker, and between getting older and the antidepressants the hangovers are not even close to worth it. But THC doesn’t have those same side effects, and any habitual user could tell you being functionally high isn’t very difficult, just squeeze in some eye drops. Before I continue, don’t get it twisted, I still think THC is far superior to alcohol as a recreational drug. A vast slew of statistics and anecdotal evidence proves it. Prohibition propaganda and lobbying is the only reason American society has thought otherwise.
I’d classify myself as a THC advocate, but I can also realize that I’ve been abusing it in an unhealthy way. I have the type of personality with very little self-control when I’m alone, which is the vast majority of the time. If I have it available to me, I’ll use it. It’s exactly the same with junk food, if it’s in the apartment I’ll scarf it all down. If I have a THC pen in the apartment, I’ll hit that thing all day. So, the only way to stop is to simply not have it in the apartment. Sounds easy enough, but with addictions it never is. Every car ride is a test, which I’ve recently been failing.
I’ve taken weeks/months long breaks before. However, those would be classified more as tolerance breaks than true attempts to curb the habit. Now is finally the time to make true changes. So, I’m writing this into the ether, in hopes that my public journal will have some aiding effect, keeping me on track. I’ll only partake in THC on the weekends and only in the form of edibles. I need to treat this as a sort of second job and the THC cloud is inhibiting that. I used to think that there wasn’t much difference in my temperament high vs sober. But now, with the help of the antidepressants and bibliotherapy I better understand my moods and feelings in the moment. Being high might quiet some of my intrusive thoughts but also makes some of my negative emotions more volatile.
I’ve still been progressing forward since beginning this journey about a month ago. Just not at the same pace as I began, which is fine. But I want to be better, so if anyone actually reads this, expect more posts here and on my socials this week!
I should probably get off this snow motif with my titles, but it does feel nice to have a through line with these posts. This will likely be the last of this snow theme. These blog posts aren’t always going to be weekly progress updates like the first few. This is my journal after all so I can write whatever I want. I’ll explain why further down, but today it feels fitting to talk a little about League of Legends (LoL).
League of Legends originally, and mainly still is, an online 5v5 computer game. But it’s grown into so much more since it first released in 2009. Riot Games, the creators, are continuing to produce S tier content; original music and cinematic videos, award winning original animation series Arcane, a flourishing eSport, the brand new TCG Riftbound, and various other projects set in their original universe, Runeterra. In totality, it’s easily my favorite current content IP. This is an original universe that I’ve seen grow and evolve ever since I first started playing in 2012. Although I’ve gone stretches of time without engaging with any LoL content, I inevitably find may way back somehow. Whether that’s playing with my brother, watching Faker (one of the greatest sports players ever) continue to dominate the professional scene, try a new game they’ve release, or watching dope video they’ve produced. There’s always something that comes down the Riot pipeline within their original universe that keeps me invested and wanting more.
I don’t even play the original game anymore, only playing an easier and more casual game mode occasionally. If you’re reading this as someone familiar with online gaming spaces, you might already be aware of League’s toxicity reputation. I’m not going to refute any of that. The game and its players can be extremely toxic and tilting. Which is primarily why I no longer play. But the mechanics and game-play are fun, so I always seem to come back eventually. Usually what prompts me to return is watching professional games, specifically the yearly World Championship tournament.
With a few exceptions, I’ve fallen out of watching traditional live sports. I can’t stand the current state of advertising as it continues to move in a worse direction. eSports largely solves this problem, the adverts can much more easily bypassed and they simply don’t interrupt the action like traditional physical sports. But eSports are unequivocally sports and the professionals who compete at the highest levels are athletes. To believe otherwise is simple ignorance. The League of Legends pro scene has one of the most dominant sportsmen ever, across all sports – Faker. His dominance over the sport can only be compared to Wayne Gretzky of the NHL. Like all geniuses, it’s a privilege to be alive an able to enjoy his talent. I have him in the same category as Max Verstappen and Shohei Ohtani, other generational all-time athletes currently sharing their genius with the world. Long story short, Faker won his 6th World Championship today, his 3rd in a row. So watching that VoD this morning is one of the reasons writing this post got delayed.
The other reason is my continued play and enjoyment of their playing card game – Riftbound. I was able to get together with my brother today and play several games over a few hours. I also went to my local game stores (lgs) weekly casual event where I had a good time playing with some strangers. Riftbound has become sort of a springboard for me to ease into social interactions with something I’m knowledgeable about. This game is hopefully something I can continue grow along with and then branch out into other tabletop experiences, specifically D&D. I’d be surprised if an official RPG setting within Runeterra isn’t currently in development.
I haven’t even begun to talk about the multiple award-winning animation Arcane. Which is simply a storytelling marvel, both visually and in its narrative. The animation that Fortiche put together is pure art, every frame a painting. I implore anyone to watch the documentary series about the making of the first season – here. It’s an extremely interesting and creatively inspiring view into the creation of a modern animation classic. Gushing about this series would probably be a whole post on its own, so I won’t do that now. But for someone with minuscule artistic talent, the show and its doc-series are a fount of inspiration. Learning and playing Riftbound has also inspired me for edits and tweaks to my Prophecy card game
Riftbound and just League of Legends as whole is helping me re-engage with a space I’ve known existed and that I enjoy. But, never explored in my adult life due to my anxiety.
The avalanche has finally settled. I felt a fair amount of relief and catharsis after getting to dump everything (mostly) last weekend. Getting it off my chest also allowed me to settle my mind down a little. Unfortunately, that means I also relapsed a bit with some of my bad habits this week. But thankfully, nothing major and not like in the past where a relapse like that would have caused me to spiral into a depression. Instead, I’ve recognized this lapse, corrected it, and didn’t allow it to ruin my entire week. Because, overall, this was still a positive week for me.
One of the aspects this week that bothered me is that I didn’t put as much time into my website as I had the past few weeks. I had this feeling of disappointment that I didn’t progress much. For the first time in a decade, I actually have interest and hobbies that I’m interested in and want to learn. Not exploring them as much as previously caused a small sense of failure. As I’ve discussed all this with my family and now that I’ve begun, I’m realizing I’m sticking quite a few proverbial irons in the fire here and I can’t always juggle them equally. These irons I’m exploring are; Web Design (this site), Photoshop (image editing), DaVinci Resolve (video editing), Photography, Game Design, and just generally being more social. There are others I’d like to explore in the future but these are the few I can begin to explore now.
While I didn’t make massive strides in those hobbies. I did still make progress; it doesn’t matter how big or small. I began taking pictures on my morning walks and posting them to social media. There’s quite a bit or learning just within that. My brother re-gifted me a camera I had given him years ago. So, this morning I took pictures with that camera instead of my phone for the first time. I was up at 5:30am to walk and try to get some sunrise pictures. The camera was on auto mode so the pictures came out alright, but I’m going to learn how to appropriately use the manual mode to achieve better results.
Then on Friday I went alone to a pre-release event at a local game store for a newly released Trading Card Game (TCG) – Riftbound. Riftbound is a card game from Riot Games, the creators of League of Legends (LoL). I know LoL players generally have a negative reputation online, hopefully you’ll continue reading after finding out I’m a LoL fan. Take my word for it that I don’t play the game anymore and am now primarily invested in the professional scene and the worldbuilding lore they’ve created around their IP. It’s an IP I’ve enjoyed for 13+ years and getting in at the ground floor of a new TCG set within their world is very appealing to me. All that to provide a bit of backstory for why I’m investing in this game and viewing it as a good kick-start for my new social excursions. Going to an event like this might seem small or like nothing at all. But attending something like that, alone with total strangers, just wouldn’t have happened even months ago or I would’ve backed out at the last minute due to some internal anxieties. Of course, it was a positive and fun experience. There were only a handful of people and they were all friendly enough. So, I’m viewing that event as good progress for me.
I don’t need to mention every little positive or negative thing that’s happened this week. Just trying to provide a little context an explanation during my journey. Although not a perfect week, I’m not dwelling on that, instead I’m proud of what I did accomplish. My goals and plans haven’t changed at all, they’re moving forward. My parents kindly and generously agreed to let me move back in, so that’ll be an ongoing situation until my lease is up at the end of the year.
Even though the avalanche has settled there’s still a lot to sift through. I’m used to literally wanting to do nothing. Now that I have a several things I want to do, it’s hard to focus it all. I’ve moved my Excel sheet to a OneNote so I can better track my thoughts and notes. It’s fine to move forward slowly, I have a lot to learn and I’m enjoying seeing my personal progress.
This post was written over two sittings. First at a café in the AM before driving up to meet my parents to attempt to dump all of this on them. Then second in the PM (AM*) when I returned.
PART 1 – AM
My second post and I’m already feeling a pattern, the hardest part of writing these is simply deciding how and where to start. I’ll try and continue explaining the avalanche of thought I talked about in my first post. There are so many pieces to this, from varying times, that it’s hard to organize all these thoughts. Like an avalanche, one cascade may trigger another, and another, leading me down a whole new path. When that happens, it can be difficult to trace back to the original thought. As is true for all of us, this started with my parents. Not just that they birthed and raised me, but I credit them for triggering this avalanche, specifically my dad.
I’ll attempt to briefly explain and paint the picture of my relationship with my parents. This is of course my one-sided view, they’ll probably agree and disagree with parts, but this is just an attempt to explain my thoughts and feelings. I know they won’t begrudge me that. After all it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life.
Now onto the “Rents” a shorthand for “Parents” I often use with my siblings, which now I realize could have a double meaning if I end moving back in and paying them rent lol. My parents do, if an oversimplified generalization, fall into the two basic categories of a provider and a caregiver. Dad was/is the consummate provider. Absolutely driven and hard working to financially provide the best life that he knew how for his family. A stern and moderately strict (not close to drill sergeant status) man with firm beliefs on how his children should be raised and behave. All of which is understandable, admirable and for which I’m grateful for. However, due to numerous reasons and events, we failed to develop a close father/son relationship. Through the course of my childhood and into adulthood our relationship became increasing strained. I accept a large portion of this blame; my anxiety and depression had me trapped in my head with my own internal delusions. I have always struggled to talk with him, I struggle with, and will just straight up avoid, potentially confrontational scenarios, he does not. To his supreme credit he initiated his own thoughtful and intentional effort to try and kindle a closer bond between him and his children. I credit that decision and his continued efforts as a large part for my current attempted turnaround.
Mom was/is a more reserved, emotional, and just a comforting caregiver. I would probably have been classified as a “mommas’ boy” when I was young. As the youngest child for two working parents, I generally tagged along with her on errands and to my siblings events. She’s always been someone I’ve been comfortable talking to and with whom I feel most like myself, like I’m home. Of course I carry traits of both parents, but I think my overall temperament is more aligned with hers. Something she’s said to me in the past when I was lamenting during one of our chats about how we’re both reserved and quiet, “you wouldn’t say shit if your mouth was full.” For the longest time this is actually what I felt like in social situations, even including family events. Although during my teenage years and this past decade of adulthood, I’ve let down my end of the relationship a lot, she has never let up her end. I will never be able to repay her and dad for the love they’ve showed me. I just hope I can return a fraction and share more of myself with them.
Hopefully all of that is at least enough to paint a vague picture. I’m sure more on those relationships will be explored in future posts. So now we’ve finally arrived at what I’m classifying as the initial avalanche trigger. Dad texted me the afternoon of 10/12 while I was cleaning my small studio apartment, which had become a rare chore during my long depressive state. As I was cleaning, I had been thinking about how to re-initiate the semi-regular walk & talks dad and I had begun as a part of his aforementioned attempt to become closer with his children. I had essentially put the walks on hiatus after becoming frustrated. Both my journey out of the depression stew and the rekindling of my relationship with dad are new, happening simultaneously, and are essentially intertwined in a bit of a confusing way I’m still parsing through. Because this is all so new and emotionally important, it feels a bit fragile. But both are worth continuing to work toward. Sometimes a step back may be needed to take two forward.
His text hits me, it’s just some random comment about baseball, but receiving that text from him at that time, was such serendipitous moment it triggered the avalanche. I opened a notepad on my phone and began word vomiting onto it as tears streamed down my face. I’ve been in a darkness for so long, I finally have a light I can see and reach toward. This new sense of clarity I’m trying to explain may seem; simple, naïve, childish, or whatever adjective you choose. But for me, as someone who’s struggled with the minute existentialism of daily life, who has for a long time seen no meaning in my life. This narrowing of all the noise of modern society into my core beliefs, values, and people I love, has led me to feel mentally and physically the best I’ve felt in a decade. Leading me to the ultimate goal and loose path mentioned in my first post.
All that being said, the avalanche is now approaching the cliff, let’s see what the Rents think of all this…
PART 2 – PM into AM – Herding Obstacles
So technically I am writing this PM section in the following AM. I had thought and discussed all this enough yesterday after dumping it on the Rents so I decided to just relax and watch a movie instead (potential post on that later this week). Of course, I still thought a bit on this section then and more so on my walk the next morning. I’ve decided to mark this as the “Herding Obstacles” section this week. Truthfully it wasn’t much of an obstacle or challenge, but for the me of the past decade it almost surely would have been an insurmountable one. This whole concept would’ve been dead on arrival in my mind at the prospect of approaching my parents with all this. I would have been filled with so much anxiety and dreadful thoughts, largely of shame and embarrassment. I’m beginning to come to understand that those have been the two biggest limiting factors I’ve been placing on myself this past decade.
So I’m starting to shed some of that. I don’t really know how to explain it, when trying to verbalize to mom I just said “like, I’m not a bad guy” and she just lightly chuckled and smiled (paraphrasing) “I know, you never where.” But I had convinced myself I was worthless, that my shortcomings and mistakes did make me into bad person, who had no real future to live for. Just now am I starting to begin to climb out of the mindset, and I actually feel good, a feeling I wouldn’t have been able to admit. For a long time the best I would really feel is flat, or neutral, and if I did get some happiness, it’d surely be followed by a worse fall down into the stew.
All of that to come to finally say the discussion went well, at least personally. The lack of anxiety I felt leading up to this day and as it was happening kind of selfishly makes it all worth it by itself. Even if it doesn’t really work out, I feel good about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. My previous approach and way of thinking now seems a bit silly. Ultimately they were happy for me, wanted to think things through, and planned to discuss further. Also reaffirming their love for me, that I always knew, but had become clouded in mind.
Dad asked me a good question during my dump, paraphrasing “why put this online?” He went on to acknowledge the therapeutic benefits of journaling but just wondering why put it out there instead of keep it private. Which is a totally fair question. Especially since I’m approaching this a journal of sorts and trying to be honest about aspects of my personal life. My parents, and myself, are private people who are wary at best of social media. So, the prospect of putting this online should lead to why? I pondered this during my walk and came to a few points:
The site is an outlet to explore my creativity in a space I wholly control. I purchased this domain and am designing it all myself. Although building out the site has been a challenge, I’ve enjoyed it and as with all this, the more I do the more ideas I have.
Along the same line, this is a way for me to create something and share it with the world. Something I think could be of value or even maybe provide the smallest bit of enjoyment to someone.
As someone who literally grew up as the internet and social media has, from dial-up to now. I’ve largely shunned social media, at least posting personally, I’ve of course consumed my fair share of YouTube. But at the same time as someone who’s suffered from social anxiety, I feel this has further separated me from my peers. While my views on social media haven’t totally changed, I feel that I must participate in some way. In doing so might help me bridge the social gap I feel. Hopefully this is a way I can do so thoughtfully and intentionally.
I think creating a self-imposed soft deadline, writing/posting Sundays, and putting it out even for a few strangers will help me turn this into a habit. The majority of my posts will hopefully not be so personal or about my family dynamic. But it just feels like it kind of had to be the jumping off point if I’m to speak honestly here. I already have quite a few other ideas/topics for posts planned out.
While personal, this is Uncle Dumps space, I don’t want to infringe on the privacy of my family. Any post that is ever perceived by a family member to cross any line will be removed, no questions asked.
Apologies for any and all grammar and typos. I wasn’t an English major.
I have no idea where to begin. So, I suppose a good a spot as any is trying to explain the absolute avalanche of thought that has led me to even type any of this at all. Also, try to keep in mind throughout, rumblings of this avalanche have been shaking in my mind but it only truly triggered on 10/12. But it hasn’t stopped cascading in my mind since.
First though, let me try and summarize myself succinctly and sufficiently just to try and get you to understand a bit where I am coming from. I plan to dive deeper into most, if not all of this in later posts. I am sure anyone would struggle to distill their entire life, thoughts, and feelings into one post, written on a Sunday morning from a café. No matter how good the café’s vibes.
Here is my identity: 32/M/US/W. You are free to draw whatever impressions and opinions you choose to gleam from that. I’m sure quite a bit of it would be accurate, by today’s standards I am for sure “Basic.” Surely there was a time I agreed with that as a pejorative, but now I basically just find it freeing.
* Honest trauma dump incoming, not at all graphic or truly traumatic, but includes light mention of Sudoku. *
I have struggled with anxiety and what I’ve self-diagnosed as a deep depression for the better part of the past decade, pretty much my entire 20’s. Put simply, I did not participate socially, at all. I had (and currently have) zero friends outside of my immediate family unit. I viewed myself as worthless and a complete failure. I had no hobbies or activities outside of work. I didn’t take care of myself physically, only doing the bare minimum to keep up appearances. My time was primarily all spent on; working, playing games, watching content, and Reddit doom scrolling. Generally, just feeding into my own depressive thoughts. I had become disillusioned with basically my entire life; my self-worth had become distorted in my mind. I began this paragraph by saying “self-diagnosed”, while I’ve been diagnosed for depression and anxiety, I have not gone to therapy. Well, I went once, didn’t vibe and haven’t been back. Not saying therapy is off the table, but I’ve only recently (few months) finally went to the doctor, got diagnosed, and began taking an anti-depressant. So, this is all very fresh and fragile still. You can probably tell if you read this rant, but my mind’s been a whirlwind lately.
There were a ton of reasons, at least in my head, for my continued depression (which I plan to write on in the future). Though I believe much of this has been self-inflicted, I do also allow myself to shed some of that blame to external factors. For those of us who think these ways, the struggle with existentialism can be very real and at times debilitating. To struggle with meaning, purpose, and just general life, is completely normal and ok. I won’t be diving into this now, but if you are not struggling with grasping the current and potential future state of Society, I envy you. (more in future posts about what I mean by Society with a capital S). But there is a slew of negativity down that road, so we will travel it in future posts.
So, I’ve basically just been simmering in my own depressive stew. At my lowest, thinking It’d be better if I didn’t exist, and my “highs” only ever seeming to get me back to neutral at best. It’s time to eat myself out of that stew, it might taste bad at times, but I’m confident it will be worth it.
~10 years. So much time wasted. But for the first time, I’m not focusing on that, I’m looking forward and won’t let my regrets or feelings of the past prohibit me from at least trying to explore the first glimmer of a future I want to grasp for myself.
INTENTION – I’ve been carrying this word in my thoughts as a sort of guiding north star as I’ve been thinking of my potential journey toward my new goals. I implore you to listen to the song “Intentions” by Twenty One Pilots (below). It will do a much better job of explaining this perspective that I’m beginning to form. But really, just listen to their entire discography, it’s been one of the main triggers for this avalanche of thought.
So, what are my Intentions?
Answer: The creation of an actionable plan for my desired attainable future. Intentionally attempting to create an ecosystem of positivity that I can actively reinforce.
Then, what is my desired attainable future?
Answer: A small plot of land that I own and building a small TinyHome on it. Literally two rooms, with kitchen/utilities in the middle. Creating a small private hobbit-like HOME for myself, a dog, and an outdoor/indoor cat. Designing the space for single occupancy utilizing efficient green technology where possible. I envision a cultivated, slightly overgrown garden with varying small parts and only a small portion of clear grass for the dog. I would put up a large head high fence along the property’s perimeter. I’m imagining building this from the ground up myself with the help of my family, however they’re willing. Therefore, gaining valuable life skills, memories, and a personal space with room for continued growth and contentment.
There will be much more detail explained in future posts about exactly why the above goal, and exactly how I’m envisioning reaching it but the very basic plan looks like this:
Move back in with my Mom & Dad while continuing to work my current job. (I haven’t even asked them yet but my ideas aren’t solely contingent on this step)
The above does allow me to begin saving money without constant loom of living paycheck to paycheck. While also, allowing me to begin moving forward and experiment with UDM.
Take classes and workshops to develop useful skills. (carpentry, masonry, plumbing, etc.)
Buy empty block of land.
Personally, and with family, build a mainly self-designed TinyHome on that land.
Steadily cultivate an overgrown private garden and live happily with my pets and nature.
Now that I’ve mentioned UDM, I should probably give a brief explanation of what that is. UncleDumpsMinimalism (UDM) is my vision of the primary Youtube channel and main channel of my planned ecosystem of positivity. I, of course, am the aforementioned Uncle Dump. Don’t worry, in a future post I’ll go over the embarrassing and potentially endearing story behind the moniker. UncleDumpsMinimalism will be the primary umbrella channel creating and posting basic home instructional videos. Under it will also be separate channels UncleDumpsDogPics, UncleDumpsGaming, and then if the TinyHome happens, add on UncleDumpsCatView and UncleDumpsGardenView. Each of those will feed into a corresponding Instagram. I will also be producing this blog, primarily as an outlet to document and share my journey. But also, as a space to explore my creative writing.
Back to the big word, the Intention with all the above is to try and create an environment, or more like an ecosystem of positivity. Providing an attainable example of positive masculinity to combat loneliness. There’s a metric elephant’s ton of negativity out there, I believe I can put out some positivity. All the while getting to spend more time and experience more with my family, creating memories and videos I can cherish forever. That’s an idea that excites me. Even if nobody ever reads, watches, or even looks at any of this. All of what I have envisioned are things I want to do for my own growth and to be a better son, brother, and Uncle Dump for my family. Because the only Intention I need in life is to live for them.
That might sound basic or simple to some, but I view it as worthy goal I can be happy to strive and work toward. The rut I’ve been living in the past decade isn’t going anywhere. If ultimately this blog and UDM comes to nothing, I will have gained useful knowledge, skills, and memories I can carry with me.
Herding Obstacles: (I’m thinking this will be a semi-recurring section talking about challenges faced that week)
The First Play Test A large part of this concept of a plan for myself is due to a tabletop card game I’ve been attempting to design over the past 1-2 weeks. It’s an idea I’ve had in my head for a few years now but finally decided to try and flush out. This will be detailed in future posts, but in short, it’s been a great experience. I can’t even recall the last time I’ve felt inspired or proud. Now I’m chasing those feeling like a druggie. But there’s a reason I’m only mentioning this now under the challenges section.
After printing and individually cutting the 169 (nice) cards I made, we were finally ready to give it the first attempt at play. It was just me and my two friends, my brother and sister. And of course, 3 turns in, my sister’s first turn, it all threatens to fall apart. Due to an error in the creation of the game along with a misunderstanding in real time, we began quite a heated argument. I got quite passionate as I had put in a tremendous amount of time and effort to make this and it was seemingly crumbling instantly. Due to my mounting frustration, I even quipped that I might have to leave (really kind of odd due to the strong relationship I have with my brother and sister) because I felt how emotional I was getting. Finally, we resolved the issue and it was essentially a giant misunderstanding. But my emotions were already running high and ultimately it was my issue and a glaringly obvious mistake made in the game design. I was then feeling bad how I was interacting with my sister, who was only there to support me anyway. I was also a bit embarrassed because I had put so much effort into something I was proud of and it had seemingly fallen apart instantly. My mental isn’t really capable of processing all that so some tears began. I’m prone to tears under emotional distress. But my lovely brother and sister are good people, they comforted and reassured me, and we moved on. Of course there were plenty of other issues with the game, but it ultimately ended up being successful first play test.
There of course have been other challenges over this first week, however this was the most meaningful. It was both difficult in the moment because of how emotionally invested and some of usual internal anxieties manifesting in a tearful moment. But looking back on this moment, it doesn’t discourage me as I know it would have over the past decade. Instead, I was shown a reminder of the love my family also has for me.
I didn’t run from that moment then and I won’t let it dissuade me in the future. So, I’m here at the café writing this. Because Sundays are going to be for the blog and writing. And my Intention is to continue the journey I began a week ago.
