10.26.25-10.27.25 – written & posted

This post was written over two sittings. First at a café in the AM before driving up to meet my parents to attempt to dump all of this on them. Then second in the PM (AM*) when I returned.

PART 1 – AM

My second post and I’m already feeling a pattern, the hardest part of writing these is simply deciding how and where to start. I’ll try and continue explaining the avalanche of thought I talked about in my first post. There are so many pieces to this, from varying times, that it’s hard to organize all these thoughts. Like an avalanche, one cascade may trigger another, and another, leading me down a whole new path. When that happens, it can be difficult to trace back to the original thought. As is true for all of us, this started with my parents. Not just that they birthed and raised me, but I credit them for triggering this avalanche, specifically my dad.

I’ll attempt to briefly explain and paint the picture of my relationship with my parents. This is of course my one-sided view, they’ll probably agree and disagree with parts, but this is just an attempt to explain my thoughts and feelings. I know they won’t begrudge me that. After all it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life.

Now onto the “Rents” a shorthand for “Parents” I often use with my siblings, which now I realize could have a double meaning if I end moving back in and paying them rent lol. My parents do, if an oversimplified generalization, fall into the two basic categories of a provider and a caregiver. Dad was/is the consummate provider. Absolutely driven and hard working to financially provide the best life that he knew how for his family. A stern and moderately strict (not close to drill sergeant status) man with firm beliefs on how his children should be raised and behave. All of which is understandable, admirable and for which I’m grateful for. However, due to numerous reasons and events, we failed to develop a close father/son relationship. Through the course of my childhood and into adulthood our relationship became increasing strained. I accept a large portion of this blame; my anxiety and depression had me trapped in my head with my own internal delusions. I have always struggled to talk with him, I struggle with, and will just straight up avoid, potentially confrontational scenarios, he does not. To his supreme credit he initiated his own thoughtful and intentional effort to try and kindle a closer bond between him and his children. I credit that decision and his continued efforts as a large part for my current attempted turnaround.

Mom was/is a more reserved, emotional, and just a comforting caregiver. I would probably have been classified as a “mommas’ boy” when I was young. As the youngest child for two working parents, I generally tagged along with her on errands and to my siblings events. She’s always been someone I’ve been comfortable talking to and with whom I feel most like myself, like I’m home. Of course I carry traits of both parents, but I think my overall temperament is more aligned with hers. Something she’s said to me in the past when I was lamenting during one of our chats about how we’re both reserved and quiet, “you wouldn’t say shit if your mouth was full.” For the longest time this is actually what I felt like in social situations, even including family events. Although during my teenage years and this past decade of adulthood, I’ve let down my end of the relationship a lot, she has never let up her end. I will never be able to repay her and dad for the love they’ve showed me. I just hope I can return a fraction and share more of myself with them.

Hopefully all of that is at least enough to paint a vague picture. I’m sure more on those relationships will be explored in future posts. So now we’ve finally arrived at what I’m classifying as the initial avalanche trigger. Dad texted me the afternoon of 10/12 while I was cleaning my small studio apartment, which had become a rare chore during my long depressive state. As I was cleaning, I had been thinking about how to re-initiate the semi-regular walk & talks dad and I had begun as a part of his aforementioned attempt to become closer with his children. I had essentially put the walks on hiatus after becoming frustrated. Both my journey out of the depression stew and the rekindling of my relationship with dad are new, happening simultaneously, and are essentially intertwined in a bit of a confusing way I’m still parsing through. Because this is all so new and emotionally important, it feels a bit fragile. But both are worth continuing to work toward. Sometimes a step back may be needed to take two forward.

His text hits me, it’s just some random comment about baseball, but receiving that text from him at that time, was such serendipitous moment it triggered the avalanche. I opened a notepad on my phone and began word vomiting onto it as tears streamed down my face. I’ve been in a darkness for so long, I finally have a light I can see and reach toward. This new sense of clarity I’m trying to explain may seem; simple, naïve, childish, or whatever adjective you choose. But for me, as someone who’s struggled with the minute existentialism of daily life, who has for a long time seen no meaning in my life. This narrowing of all the noise of modern society into my core beliefs, values, and people I love, has led me to feel mentally and physically the best I’ve felt in a decade. Leading me to the ultimate goal and loose path mentioned in my first post.

All that being said, the avalanche is now approaching the cliff, let’s see what the Rents think of all this…

PART 2 – PM into AM – Herding Obstacles

So technically I am writing this PM section in the following AM. I had thought and discussed all this enough yesterday after dumping it on the Rents so I decided to just relax and watch a movie instead (potential post on that later this week). Of course, I still thought a bit on this section then and more so on my walk the next morning. I’ve decided to mark this as the “Herding Obstacles” section this week. Truthfully it wasn’t much of an obstacle or challenge, but for the me of the past decade it almost surely would have been an insurmountable one. This whole concept would’ve been dead on arrival in my mind at the prospect of approaching my parents with all this. I would have been filled with so much anxiety and dreadful thoughts, largely of shame and embarrassment. I’m beginning to come to understand that those have been the two biggest limiting factors I’ve been placing on myself this past decade.

So I’m starting to shed some of that. I don’t really know how to explain it, when trying to verbalize to mom I just said “like, I’m not a bad guy” and she just lightly chuckled and smiled (paraphrasing) “I know, you never where.” But I had convinced myself I was worthless, that my shortcomings and mistakes did make me into bad person, who had no real future to live for. Just now am I starting to begin to climb out of the mindset, and I actually feel good, a feeling I wouldn’t have been able to admit. For a long time the best I would really feel is flat, or neutral, and if I did get some happiness, it’d surely be followed by a worse fall down into the stew.

All of that to come to finally say the discussion went well, at least personally. The lack of anxiety I felt leading up to this day and as it was happening kind of selfishly makes it all worth it by itself. Even if it doesn’t really work out, I feel good about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. My previous approach and way of thinking now seems a bit silly. Ultimately they were happy for me, wanted to think things through, and planned to discuss further. Also reaffirming their love for me, that I always knew, but had become clouded in mind.

Dad asked me a good question during my dump, paraphrasing “why put this online?” He went on to acknowledge the therapeutic benefits of journaling but just wondering why put it out there instead of keep it private. Which is a totally fair question. Especially since I’m approaching this a journal of sorts and trying to be honest about aspects of my personal life. My parents, and myself, are private people who are wary at best of social media. So, the prospect of putting this online should lead to why? I pondered this during my walk and came to a few points:

1. The site is an outlet to explore my creativity in a space I wholly control. I purchased this domain and am designing it all myself. Although building out the site has been a challenge, I’ve enjoyed it and as with all this, the more I do the more ideas I have.
2. Along the same line, this is a way for me to create something and share it with the world. Something I think could be of value or even maybe provide the smallest bit of enjoyment to someone.
3. As someone who literally grew up as the internet and social media has, from dial-up to now. I’ve largely shunned social media, at least posting personally, I’ve of course consumed my fair share of YouTube. But at the same time as someone who’s suffered from social anxiety, I feel this has further separated me from my peers. While my views on social media haven’t totally changed, I feel that I must participate in some way. In doing so might help me bridge the social gap I feel. Hopefully this is a way I can do so thoughtfully and intentionally.
4. I think creating a self-imposed soft deadline, writing/posting Sundays, and putting it out even for a few strangers will help me turn this into a habit. The majority of my posts will hopefully not be so personal or about my family dynamic. But it just feels like it kind of had to be the jumping off point if I’m to speak honestly here. I already have quite a few other ideas/topics for posts planned out.
5. While personal, this is Uncle Dumps space, I don’t want to infringe on the privacy of my family. Any post that is ever perceived by a family member to cross any line will be removed, no questions asked.

Apologies for any and all grammar and typos. I wasn’t an English major.

Be well, be intentional, and make something,

Uncle Dump